A Search for a Loving God Part Xlll
When your whole world falls apart, and you’re as low as you think you can imagine, don’t ever think it can’t get worse. Things can always get worse. Everyone in life falls or gets knocked down. Life has it’s ups and downs not matter what your status. Hitting rock bottom isn’t a sin, not attempting to get up may be.
I have found when I am down and have nothing, those with nothing will share their little bit of nothing with you. Those that have, don’t want to acknowledge your existence. I have been amazed at the generosity of the poor, and their concern for one another.
I felt alone in the world, and it took all my energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other & keep going on. We are never truly alone, but at times it sure feels like it. My little sister refused to let me give up, and surprised me by paying for and setting the appointment for me to take the GED exam. I know although I had doubts, God was with me, God and my little sister.
Filled with self pity, leaves no room for anything or anybody. Neither I nor anyone I have ever met will abide with anyone filled with self pity one hundred percent of the time. They run everyone around them off to justify their self pity. Oddly enough when you’re that far down the only people around you are down as well. The positive thing, should you arrive at such a place is all roads lead out, just be careful the road you take.
I had not seen my mother for a few months, so one afternoon I decided to visit. I must have timed it right, or God put the thought in my head, because just as I approached the porch I hear my little sister screaming. I ran in without knocking, and ran straight to me mothers room where the screams were coming from, and my mother was swinging a belt, buckle first hitting my sister. I came in from behind and grabbed the belt, mom turned and came after me, I gave her a hard shove and she landed across her bed. I was angry, and yelled at her that if she deserved to be spanked you damn sure don’t hit her with the buckle. I told her I better never hear of her hitting Patricia again, or I would hurt her.
I left with my little sister Patricia in tow, and for the next three months she stayed at my place. I sent her home when I found out she was taking advantage of the situation to have sex with her boy friend. Like the typical older brother I beat her boy friends ass as well.
I began to like being on my own. I didn’t make much money, but most things I enjoyed were free, a pickup game of basketball at the community center, some touch football at the local park, or visiting friends. When I did have a few extra dollars, there was dollar car load night at the local drive in movie, going to the roller rink, bowling a few games, or catching a city bus down town just to sight see.
I met a girl at the local Piggly Wiggly, and began to spend time with her. I would like to say I loved her, but I didn’t. We did get along and she seemed to dote on me. She had a car, a good job, and a nice apartment. I don’t think I thought of it like that at the time, but reflecting back I see with better vision. She made me feel like I had moved up in the world. I did contribute, but she made more money than me, and together we could do more that I could.
I started having trouble with my shoulders, and the pain was unbearable, but I thought it was a muscle strain that would go away. A couple of weeks past and it had not improved, in fact it was worse. We were laying in bed one evening and I could hear my heart, only it was a beat I heard, it was like a saw swishing back and forth. I asked her to listen and she was concerned.
Next day I went to the doctor’s office, and he said I had pericarditis and needed to be hospitalized immediately I didn’t understand the seriousness of the situation and after leaving the doctors office I chased after my little sister as she was driving away. She drove me to moms, and mom took me to the hospital. After what seemed like forever I was admitted.
I didn’t know the hospital had put me on last rites until a friends came to visit. He and I were good friends, but we had been arguing and to see him was somewhat of a surprise. He said we had been friends too long for something to happen and he not see me one last time. I said, “What?” He says, “Man your on last rites.” I said, “What the hell is that? I’m not catholic.” He says, “They don’t expect you to make it.” I said, “Get the hell out of here and I’ll come see you when I get out” He ask, Are you sure? I said, I don’t know what the doctors think, but I know what I know, and I’ll be getting out of here. He gave me a hug and left.
My 3rd or 4th day the pain was worse than ever, and I was squirming on the bed when the preacher dropped in. He chatted with me and we prayed, and he left. I was in so much pain I almost wanted to die, but about 8:30PM it all eased and the pain was gone. I slept like I had not slept for a while. The next morning the preacher dropped by again and was relieved to see I wasn’t in pain. He asked when the pain subsided, and when I told him he says, that is when we held a special prayed meeting for you.
I was released a couple of days later with some restrictions, but glad to be out. The girl I met at Piggly Wiggly came to visit almost every day. She insisted I stay at her place during my recovery. I had been out of the hospital for a couple of week and wanted to get out. We went to a drive in movie and watched Judge Roy Beam starring Paul Newman. Driving home it stormed like no tomorrow,
Arriving at her apartment I stopped on the balcony, and I felt a sudden sense of lonely. She turned to ask what the matter is. I glanced and said, it feels like the end of the world. She turned and entered her apartment and I soon followed. That night I was awakened and I heard her on the phone, and I hear her ask, “What should I tell him?” I arose and walked into the living room where she was, and I said. “Patricia is dead isn’t she?” She looked at me agape and says, yes, how did you know? I don’t know how I knew, but I knew.
I dressed and went out, and I had just thing in mind. Her ex boy friend had threatened her and I thought it was him, so I was going to kill him. A few miles down the road my aunt and a couple of her kids stopped me. She said he had nothing to do with it and I should come with her. I did as she asked and got in the car.
My mom was concerned about my heart, or so she said. Some how she had a doctor medicate me, and the next few days were a blur.
My little sister was the only family that always loved me thru thick and thin. She was my pillar and my strength. I will battle with God again for taking her, and not me
